This is a day filled with sadness and not a little guilt. My brother and SIL lost their baby today. You know, the one that I spent an entire post bitching about getting pregnant accidentally, oh, yes that one. At 14 weeks. Which is over the magic marker. I am so sorry for her, and fairly guilt ridden. I am fairly sure that I didn't ever wish her to miscarriage, even in my darkest moments, but I know I have made lots of comments about her journey versus mine - you know the ones: "Not for her the pain of miscarriage, nope, she just pees on a stick and wanders around telling people". Yep, those sorts of ones. Rationally I know this is nothing to do with me (hell, I AM the centre of the world round here) but I can't help feeling that my complete lack of caring has somehow caused this.
Then there is survivor guilt. She was due about a week before me - how much fun is March going to be for her. On the brighter side, I live on the other side of the country from them, so she can at least ignore it as much as possible, but even so, that's gotta suck, and I am so sorry for them. Plus, as far as I know, this is the first time that this has happened to them - they have perfect conceptions, followed by perfect pregnancies, followed by perfect births. I know that sounds bitchy and I wish I could rephrase it but even in their grief that's what it feels like on this side of the IF fence. Now they are in my land, without the passport, and I remember so clearly the pain of the first. Not that it ever gets easier, but it does get different, well, at least it did for me. I wish that there was something I could do to make this better for them, but apart from being here, there isn't. God, if there was, then I would have figured it out by now. So, I sit here feeling useless and guilty. Fabulous combination by the way.
On top of that, today is the anniversary of the death of my mother. This is not a big deal for me - it happened 32 years ago, when I was 4 but it is a very big deal for my father. He has never gotten over it, and it's still a day of sadness and pain for him. Losing his grandchild does not make this day a happier one.
The other overwhelming thought here, of course, is please not me, please not me. Magic marker's don't seem to be the magic talisman that I thought they were. If the accidental baby can die, then what does that mean for my bean. Again, rationally, I know absolutely nothing. But we are in pregnancy land here, it has no rationality, just a morass of fear and pain and joy and a rollercoaster of emotional stuff. And that's without the hormones. None of this is helped by the fact that at the obs visit yesterday, he couldn't find the heartbeat on the Doppler machine. He played around for a few minutes, watched my blood pressure explode and then sent me off for an ultrasound where bean tickered away happily and waved. All good in the end, but not in the middle bits.
I have no answers, I just want to crawl into bed and feel sorry. For myself, for my family, for all the horrible things I said in hindsight, for everything.
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What you said or thought - looking back on it - might sound horrible. But ONLY in hindsight. The fact that you are grieving now - that I'm not detecting the teeniest bit of "serves her right" meanness in your post - you have nothing to feel guilty over. You may, in fact, be a source of comfort to her, if she knows about your losses. I have been amazed by how many people came out of the miscarriage closet to offer me a shoulder during this last loss.
ReplyDeleteKeeping your whole family in my thoughts today. So glad little bean is doing well!