This has to be the worst week known to mankind. Sure, I accept that every person thinks that about their own personal disaster, but seriously, the 2nd week of the 2ww beats everything hands down.
Trying searching the internet - you'll see. All the way out there in webland are thousands of women who are usually happy, shiny together adults falling into small puddles of disaster, and frantically googling to check every twinge. Some women go the poas route, start testing, and then begin beating themselves up over the results - false negatives and false positives abound in ivf land. Or like me, the drugs prevent an even vaguely accurate result so I retreat into Dr Google and overanalyse every single symptom. And boy are there a lot of them this time round. Unlike the last round, where nothing happened (to the point where I felt like ringing the FS just to check that they really had put something back) this week I have cramps, spotting, tiredness, nausea, sore bits - a positive cornucopia of symptoms. And they all mean nothing!!!
My little ones are in there and have made up their mind one way or another. And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. For a major league control freak that is slightly annoying. I honestly believe that it makes no difference whether you dance naked under the moon, eat everything in sight, don't eat anything, wear jade, find a fertility god of your choice, or just sit on your arse and cry. Of course, none of that helps.
Pray to whatever gods you believe in that we are all OK.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Support team goes awol ...
No, thats fine, off you go, enjoy your holidays, I am sure everything will be fine this end.
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
I believe that I have previously mentioned Sandy, the lovely and amazing fertility nurse. Well, if not, Sandy is amazing. She is completely calm and unflappable and never fails to mind me either being insane at her or ringing to ask a question for the third time. She has been part of this journey for the last year, and is unfailingly positive and chirpy, even in the face of outright disaster. So, today, I go in as usual for bloods (one reason why I love her, regardless of how dehydrated I am, she can always find a vein and only takes out a cm of blood!), and she casually mentions that she will be on leave next week. All week. Including Thursday which is my pregnancy BT. I am slightly disturbed by how much I panic at the thought that Sandy will not be there for that. What ifs, you know, what if its another chemical, what if it fails again, what if the prog is too low, or it doesn't double or blah, blah, blah. No Sandy???
The other nurses are fine, and lovely too, but no Sandy??
It gets better, I have been having acupuncture for the last year, and today, Alex casually announces that he will be on leave next week as well. But thats ok, cos I can always see the other practitioner. Now, I have nothing against the other practitioner (apart from the fact that he looks like he is 12, Doogie Howser has nothing on this guy) but Alex has been sticking needles in me for the last year.
Now I hate to be dramatic (no really, I do) but this is only possibly the most important week of my life and my carefully controlled support team is just vanishing. Spot thinks I am probably over-reacting but little does he know. Its amazing how much you come to rely on the bits that you can control, given that so much of this is out of your control. I like seeing familiar faces, I like it being the same voice giving me the bad news on the other end of the phone, I like that I don't have to pretend that I am positive with these people, but can be bloody annoyed at yet another failure.
I do hope they enjoy their holiday, I just wish it was any other week.
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
I believe that I have previously mentioned Sandy, the lovely and amazing fertility nurse. Well, if not, Sandy is amazing. She is completely calm and unflappable and never fails to mind me either being insane at her or ringing to ask a question for the third time. She has been part of this journey for the last year, and is unfailingly positive and chirpy, even in the face of outright disaster. So, today, I go in as usual for bloods (one reason why I love her, regardless of how dehydrated I am, she can always find a vein and only takes out a cm of blood!), and she casually mentions that she will be on leave next week. All week. Including Thursday which is my pregnancy BT. I am slightly disturbed by how much I panic at the thought that Sandy will not be there for that. What ifs, you know, what if its another chemical, what if it fails again, what if the prog is too low, or it doesn't double or blah, blah, blah. No Sandy???
The other nurses are fine, and lovely too, but no Sandy??
It gets better, I have been having acupuncture for the last year, and today, Alex casually announces that he will be on leave next week as well. But thats ok, cos I can always see the other practitioner. Now, I have nothing against the other practitioner (apart from the fact that he looks like he is 12, Doogie Howser has nothing on this guy) but Alex has been sticking needles in me for the last year.
Now I hate to be dramatic (no really, I do) but this is only possibly the most important week of my life and my carefully controlled support team is just vanishing. Spot thinks I am probably over-reacting but little does he know. Its amazing how much you come to rely on the bits that you can control, given that so much of this is out of your control. I like seeing familiar faces, I like it being the same voice giving me the bad news on the other end of the phone, I like that I don't have to pretend that I am positive with these people, but can be bloody annoyed at yet another failure.
I do hope they enjoy their holiday, I just wish it was any other week.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
And boy do I have em ...
Symptoms that is.
As anyone who has been trying to conceive will know, the 2ww is a time of awe and wonder. NOT!! I have every symptom under the sun - cramps, nausea, sore boobs, emotional changes. And none of this is indicative of anything except that I am taking way toooooo much progesterone. Yes, the mighty sypmtoms of progesterone are EXACTLY the same as early pregnancy symptoms.
Assuming you happen to by one of the small but happy percentage who even get early pregnancy symptoms. My sister-in-law, one of those people who falls pregnant whenever she feels like it (don't even get me started!!) once told me that she knows to the minute when she conceives. She wasn't particularly thrilled at me when I suggested that she should have sex more, but hey, what did I say.
I, on the other hand, not so much. I am officially 8 days past ovulation, 3 days past transfer. If the either of my passengers is going to stick around, they have deciding to do so and are happily burrowing away. Some people start peeing on a stick at this point - there is not even any point to me doing that, as the pregnyl will just show up as a false positive.
Stay calm and relax, is the general mantra. Which would be fine, except that they take away all the normal props for staying calm and relaxed, no cigarettes, no alcohol, no happy food. Its a shame that there is no mantra for stay paranoid and manic - that I would be chanting.
As anyone who has been trying to conceive will know, the 2ww is a time of awe and wonder. NOT!! I have every symptom under the sun - cramps, nausea, sore boobs, emotional changes. And none of this is indicative of anything except that I am taking way toooooo much progesterone. Yes, the mighty sypmtoms of progesterone are EXACTLY the same as early pregnancy symptoms.
Assuming you happen to by one of the small but happy percentage who even get early pregnancy symptoms. My sister-in-law, one of those people who falls pregnant whenever she feels like it (don't even get me started!!) once told me that she knows to the minute when she conceives. She wasn't particularly thrilled at me when I suggested that she should have sex more, but hey, what did I say.
I, on the other hand, not so much. I am officially 8 days past ovulation, 3 days past transfer. If the either of my passengers is going to stick around, they have deciding to do so and are happily burrowing away. Some people start peeing on a stick at this point - there is not even any point to me doing that, as the pregnyl will just show up as a false positive.
Stay calm and relax, is the general mantra. Which would be fine, except that they take away all the normal props for staying calm and relaxed, no cigarettes, no alcohol, no happy food. Its a shame that there is no mantra for stay paranoid and manic - that I would be chanting.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Baby on board
Well, couple of embryos anyway.
In the official language of the internets - I am PUPO - Pregnant until proven otherwise. Or more less positively - the dreaded two week wait. Yes, the 2ww, where every symptom is ruthlessly overanalysed, every twinge discussed and thought about, and every waking moment consumed by the need to think about something else. Its just like Disneyland but without the treats.
Old wives tales abound - rest a lot, don't rest a lot, continue your normal routine, eat pineapple, don't eat pineapple, don't have spa's or do anything to raise your temperature, have sex, don't have sex. Eat anything, eat like you are pregant. Do you see my point!
My new theory is that since crack-whores in alleys appear to be the only people actually getting pregnant at the moment, I should lie around in alleys and take lots of crack. Seriously, this could be the missing ingredient in my pregnancy attempts. Unsurprisingly, no one else seems to think this is a good idea. Bah, what would medical professionsals know anyway.
I start shooting up the rest of my drugs and add progesterone and prednisolone to the mix. Its a fairly standard routine, but since it has to be done at certain time points, it does make having a life a little tricky.
Odd things that they do on transfer day - they gave us a photo of the embryos that they were transferring. "Oh, look, they have your trophoblast"??????
They have transferred two embyros, one hatching and the other pretty close. Out of the rest only 2 are suitable for freezing, the rest are too fragmented. Still thats 3 more than last time, it just seems such a huge waste - out of 24, 4 are even possibles, let alone getting through the 2ww and then thawing.
I'm going off to quietly panic. Please stick around, little people. Stick around and grow.
In the official language of the internets - I am PUPO - Pregnant until proven otherwise. Or more less positively - the dreaded two week wait. Yes, the 2ww, where every symptom is ruthlessly overanalysed, every twinge discussed and thought about, and every waking moment consumed by the need to think about something else. Its just like Disneyland but without the treats.
Old wives tales abound - rest a lot, don't rest a lot, continue your normal routine, eat pineapple, don't eat pineapple, don't have spa's or do anything to raise your temperature, have sex, don't have sex. Eat anything, eat like you are pregant. Do you see my point!
My new theory is that since crack-whores in alleys appear to be the only people actually getting pregnant at the moment, I should lie around in alleys and take lots of crack. Seriously, this could be the missing ingredient in my pregnancy attempts. Unsurprisingly, no one else seems to think this is a good idea. Bah, what would medical professionsals know anyway.
I start shooting up the rest of my drugs and add progesterone and prednisolone to the mix. Its a fairly standard routine, but since it has to be done at certain time points, it does make having a life a little tricky.
Odd things that they do on transfer day - they gave us a photo of the embryos that they were transferring. "Oh, look, they have your trophoblast"??????
They have transferred two embyros, one hatching and the other pretty close. Out of the rest only 2 are suitable for freezing, the rest are too fragmented. Still thats 3 more than last time, it just seems such a huge waste - out of 24, 4 are even possibles, let alone getting through the 2ww and then thawing.
I'm going off to quietly panic. Please stick around, little people. Stick around and grow.
Life outside of IVF
Nope, fooled you, we dont really have one.
I promised myself that this time we would have a life outside of IVF, that I wouldn't become consumed while I was cycling, but I have come to the conclusion that the only way to do that is either not cycle or just go into an induced coma.
Which, incidentally, isn't such a bad idea. I wonder how you go getting yourself put in long term stasis.
Spot got promoted, which is fabulous, the bloating seems to have started to come down, which is also fabulous.
In an effort not to turn into a parody of myself where all I can talk about is my ivf, I have told hardly anyone about this cycle. It means that I don't have to answer questions and there is no expectant looks. Not my friends, not my family. Time enough for telling when there is something to tell. Last night at dinner with friends, I discovered that Spot does not feel this way, and although they respect my right not to talk about it, all are busily keeping track of every development through facebook and sms. I know we covered this earlier, but when is it ok to kill your partner :).
He has tried to explain it by claiming that extroverts (which he is) need to talk more than introverts (which I am), and that he can't help it, it just slips out cos he is excited. Uh huh.
Eggwatch Day 4 -
6 appear like they will make it to blastocyst, and the other two look like they will catch up. The scientist refuses to discuss how well they are doing, there is some fragmentation, but at this stage, there should be something to transfer tomorrow. My E2 is still really high, but my FS says that we should be able to sneak in a transfer and then deal with the OHSS if it happens, but the E2 has come down enought that it should be OK.
My poor little runt is still quivering away but it doesn't look good for him.
I promised myself that this time we would have a life outside of IVF, that I wouldn't become consumed while I was cycling, but I have come to the conclusion that the only way to do that is either not cycle or just go into an induced coma.
Which, incidentally, isn't such a bad idea. I wonder how you go getting yourself put in long term stasis.
Spot got promoted, which is fabulous, the bloating seems to have started to come down, which is also fabulous.
In an effort not to turn into a parody of myself where all I can talk about is my ivf, I have told hardly anyone about this cycle. It means that I don't have to answer questions and there is no expectant looks. Not my friends, not my family. Time enough for telling when there is something to tell. Last night at dinner with friends, I discovered that Spot does not feel this way, and although they respect my right not to talk about it, all are busily keeping track of every development through facebook and sms. I know we covered this earlier, but when is it ok to kill your partner :).
He has tried to explain it by claiming that extroverts (which he is) need to talk more than introverts (which I am), and that he can't help it, it just slips out cos he is excited. Uh huh.
Eggwatch Day 4 -
6 appear like they will make it to blastocyst, and the other two look like they will catch up. The scientist refuses to discuss how well they are doing, there is some fragmentation, but at this stage, there should be something to transfer tomorrow. My E2 is still really high, but my FS says that we should be able to sneak in a transfer and then deal with the OHSS if it happens, but the E2 has come down enought that it should be OK.
My poor little runt is still quivering away but it doesn't look good for him.
Friday, June 19, 2009
My favourite is the runt
Day 3 embryo update:
8 still dividing nicely, and a ninth that seems suspended on 4 cells. It hasn't actually given up the ghost, just sits there quivering like it is going to get round to dividing but really, whats the point.
I hope that it gets it act together - my money is on the runt.
Still with the massive ouch, Sandy tells me that I shouldn't feel anything through the incredibly powerful painkillers, I should barely be able to move. Ummmmm, what painkillers?? Turns out I left a script behind in my rush to get out of the hospital. So, the wonderful shiny nurses fax through a prescription to my local chemist and now it turns out that I am probably not dying of septicaemia after all, but am happily floating away on the pink fluffy cloud.
Did I mention I love these girls.
I really hope my little runt gets it together
8 still dividing nicely, and a ninth that seems suspended on 4 cells. It hasn't actually given up the ghost, just sits there quivering like it is going to get round to dividing but really, whats the point.
I hope that it gets it act together - my money is on the runt.
Still with the massive ouch, Sandy tells me that I shouldn't feel anything through the incredibly powerful painkillers, I should barely be able to move. Ummmmm, what painkillers?? Turns out I left a script behind in my rush to get out of the hospital. So, the wonderful shiny nurses fax through a prescription to my local chemist and now it turns out that I am probably not dying of septicaemia after all, but am happily floating away on the pink fluffy cloud.
Did I mention I love these girls.
I really hope my little runt gets it together
Thursday, June 18, 2009
So sorry
Heard today that beloved friends have lost their baby. Second time in a short time too, my heart bleeds for them, and I wish there were words.
There is a very small but very close community who understand what this pain feels like, over and over again, and I wish I could explain how amazing and joyous these women are. How optimistic, and how they fill my heart with hope over, and over.
Like so many others, I long for words, but there aren't any.
I'm soooo sorry, Jo.
There is a very small but very close community who understand what this pain feels like, over and over again, and I wish I could explain how amazing and joyous these women are. How optimistic, and how they fill my heart with hope over, and over.
Like so many others, I long for words, but there aren't any.
I'm soooo sorry, Jo.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Fly, fly my pretties
Ok, so not so bad. I get to go first cos my numbers are so high, so I am out of surgery by 9.30. Spot has his contribution in and ready to go, (and gets a "Well done" from the nurse, go figure).
25 eggs harvested
19 mature
14 fertilesed.
My E2 is insane, but only on the slightly bad side of insane, and the FS is optimistic that transfer will go ahead. Im going home to drink lots and lots and hope that it comes down.
Grow, little ones, grow.
Oh, and ouch!
Spot brings tea and biscuits at alarmingly regular intervals - he is good with practical problem solving and I sleep most of the afternoon after the scientists ring, but oh, OUCH!
25 eggs harvested
19 mature
14 fertilesed.
My E2 is insane, but only on the slightly bad side of insane, and the FS is optimistic that transfer will go ahead. Im going home to drink lots and lots and hope that it comes down.
Grow, little ones, grow.
Oh, and ouch!
Spot brings tea and biscuits at alarmingly regular intervals - he is good with practical problem solving and I sleep most of the afternoon after the scientists ring, but oh, OUCH!
Monday, June 15, 2009
My cover is blown
Ultrasound this morning - there are about 19 follicles and the dominant ones are huge! They run out of room to write down the numbers. Rather than worry about not having enough mature eggs, I can now worry about not getting to EPU because my numbers are too big.
On the totally not bright side - I walk out of the blood test at the clinic this morning to find my general manager and his partner sitting there waiting to go in. There is no easy way around this, we both know why we are here, its a fertility clinic, not a general practitioner.
If anyone needs me, I am dying of embarassment over in the corner.
Sandy rings this afternoon to tell me that my E2 is borderline and they are worried that I am going to ovulate regardless, so they will trigger tonight and do EPU on Wednesday. I ask what are the chances of going ahead with transfer and she prevaricates. Oh good!
Oh the bright side, since having ovaries the size of tennis balls is less than amusing - I cant wait. I'm still not feeling that excited or hopeful, I just want this over.
On the totally not bright side - I walk out of the blood test at the clinic this morning to find my general manager and his partner sitting there waiting to go in. There is no easy way around this, we both know why we are here, its a fertility clinic, not a general practitioner.
If anyone needs me, I am dying of embarassment over in the corner.
Sandy rings this afternoon to tell me that my E2 is borderline and they are worried that I am going to ovulate regardless, so they will trigger tonight and do EPU on Wednesday. I ask what are the chances of going ahead with transfer and she prevaricates. Oh good!
Oh the bright side, since having ovaries the size of tennis balls is less than amusing - I cant wait. I'm still not feeling that excited or hopeful, I just want this over.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Still up there
Yep, its still climbing. Massively.
Still on the beginning of the danger zone. So, so far, so good. Sandy thinks it might be a good idea to have the ultrasound on Monday, to see where the follicles are up too. I am sure I will think so too, particularly after I sit down with Dr Google and figure out what I can panic about.
EPU isnt supposed to be until next Friday, but I begin hinting to work that I may need to start my leave early. Cough, cough, yep, definitely not feeling well.
Swine flu, anyone?
Still on the beginning of the danger zone. So, so far, so good. Sandy thinks it might be a good idea to have the ultrasound on Monday, to see where the follicles are up too. I am sure I will think so too, particularly after I sit down with Dr Google and figure out what I can panic about.
EPU isnt supposed to be until next Friday, but I begin hinting to work that I may need to start my leave early. Cough, cough, yep, definitely not feeling well.
Swine flu, anyone?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Oopppss!!
Boy, does my body love E2.
Its leaping through the roof - over 6000. They decide to wind back the dial and hope that I dont hyperstim.
More bloods on Friday.
Its leaping through the roof - over 6000. They decide to wind back the dial and hope that I dont hyperstim.
More bloods on Friday.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Slight emergency
Is it bad form to kill your partner before the embryo transfer. I just need to get the etiquette down.
So all is proceeding to plan, started sniffing lucrin yesterday (and what a joyous occassion that is for all concerned - that is not a strawberry scented delight sliding down my nose). Nevermind, its all the greater good etc. Sunday, that is tonight, off I happily trip to the fridge to get my Puregon. But wait, no puregon, no pregnyl.
SWP has had a complete brain failure. There was not enough room in the fridge, so he has taken my incredibly expensive fertility drugs out and left them with the other drugs in the bathroom. Despite knowing that they get picked up with massive ice packs and that they must go straight home to the fridge, despite me checking 3 times with him "did you put the drugs in the fridge", despite this being our 4th stim cycle (so he has been here before) - he thought they would be OK on the bench. He doesn't know why either.
Luckily the after hours clinic answers the phone (it is 7.30 on Sunday). Annie doesn't know whether I can use them, but phones back to say that the pregnyl will have to be destroyed but the puregon will be OK. I have to go and pick up more pregnyl with my blood tests this week.
Oh, and she says that I can't kill him, she thinks that we will need him later. Personally, Im not so sure :)
So all is proceeding to plan, started sniffing lucrin yesterday (and what a joyous occassion that is for all concerned - that is not a strawberry scented delight sliding down my nose). Nevermind, its all the greater good etc. Sunday, that is tonight, off I happily trip to the fridge to get my Puregon. But wait, no puregon, no pregnyl.
SWP has had a complete brain failure. There was not enough room in the fridge, so he has taken my incredibly expensive fertility drugs out and left them with the other drugs in the bathroom. Despite knowing that they get picked up with massive ice packs and that they must go straight home to the fridge, despite me checking 3 times with him "did you put the drugs in the fridge", despite this being our 4th stim cycle (so he has been here before) - he thought they would be OK on the bench. He doesn't know why either.
Luckily the after hours clinic answers the phone (it is 7.30 on Sunday). Annie doesn't know whether I can use them, but phones back to say that the pregnyl will have to be destroyed but the puregon will be OK. I have to go and pick up more pregnyl with my blood tests this week.
Oh, and she says that I can't kill him, she thinks that we will need him later. Personally, Im not so sure :)
Friday, June 5, 2009
I may go mad
It would probably be easier all round.
Still no period.
Update: late this afternoon, we have take off. Let the rollercoaster begin. Its not often that I am so glad to see her, but finally!!!!
Start sniffing tomorrow, injections on Sunday. yahhh!!!
Still no period.
Update: late this afternoon, we have take off. Let the rollercoaster begin. Its not often that I am so glad to see her, but finally!!!!
Start sniffing tomorrow, injections on Sunday. yahhh!!!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Ummm, hello??
This conception thing seems to spend a lot of time revolving around my period. Which was due 2 days ago, yes, thats right my incredibly reliable, 28 day cycle has gone missing in action.
Why can't it do that when I am waiting for a blood test.
Nope, it still not here. No matter how many times I check, there is no period.
Im late. I even try the traditional-guaranteed-to-make-my-period-arrive trick and POAS. Oh good, now I have a negative, and still no period.
Just waiting then. Fine.
Why can't it do that when I am waiting for a blood test.
Nope, it still not here. No matter how many times I check, there is no period.
Im late. I even try the traditional-guaranteed-to-make-my-period-arrive trick and POAS. Oh good, now I have a negative, and still no period.
Just waiting then. Fine.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Weapons of mass conception
OK, the list got longer, but in the end, I think that we will go for it. I am supposed to start Wednesday, Day 1.
Went in and picked up the drugs today (those little packs get bigger and bigger each time). We are throwing everything at it this time - clexane, prednisolone, pregnyl, progesterone - everything that has made any difference in the past. Its a flare cycle, so no BCP, just get my period, start sniffing and shooting up, and monitor like crazy.
Alex can fit me in for acupuncture too, so all the stars seem aligned. The nurses are so lovely, Sandy is practically overjoyed to see us, tells us that this time will be the one. At least some one is positive.
I may be bitter??
Went in and picked up the drugs today (those little packs get bigger and bigger each time). We are throwing everything at it this time - clexane, prednisolone, pregnyl, progesterone - everything that has made any difference in the past. Its a flare cycle, so no BCP, just get my period, start sniffing and shooting up, and monitor like crazy.
Alex can fit me in for acupuncture too, so all the stars seem aligned. The nurses are so lovely, Sandy is practically overjoyed to see us, tells us that this time will be the one. At least some one is positive.
I may be bitter??
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