Zen finally takes over

There is nothing that I can do to save this baby or not, it will be what will be.

The peace of u/s lasts for about 2 days, then I am totally positive that the Bean has died. Continually spotting does not help, neither does the constant cramping.

I understand that the cramping is a normal part of early pregnancy - its ligaments or something, but seriously, the Bean is 1.16 cm long - how much room does it need.

Luckily, the clinic takes my mania seriously, and I get weekly u/s. Which means 2 days before I go off down the whatif path of no return. Sandy asks when I expect to start enjoying this pregnancy. After all, we have worked so hard for it, surely we should start to enjoy it. There is no concept of enjoying it, there is just a sense of relief at making it to the next milestone. 10 weeks, lets see if the placenta forms so my crappy immune system can stop destroying it, 12 weeks, lets see if we make it through the nuchal fold test (not to mention actually making it to 12 weeks). My lovely friends are all aware that they can't mention this pregnancy until 12 weeks.

I know, I am not alone, lots of long term ivfers feel this way, particularly if there have been previous losses. I bookmark a few blogs and get Spot to read them, hoping he can understand, but he can't. He is just positive and happy and patiently waiting for me to get there so we can share it. Poor thing, not only was he deprived by taking up with an ivf chick, now he can't even enjoy this baby with me.

Still, I have reached a point of zen. What will be will be.