8w 3 days

I love days that start with an u/s. Regardless of anything else, they are so reassuring for approx 7 hours until I realise that bean has died again.

Bean still not, dead, that is. I am not sure how I will cope when my u/s tap is turned off. Its only a few more weeks and I will be under an Obs. He didn't even want to see me until 20 weeks, but the FS has written him a nice note to tell him that I am clinically insane and can't go that long without making sure that my Bean is OK. She phrased it better, used some nice latin sounding words, and mentioned high-risk, and clotting factors and natural killer cells and immune issues. It would have been shorter and more honest if I had written it

" I am a paranoid neurotic and cannot possible go more than 7 days without some reassurance that my baby has not died".

Still, bean is still small, but still growing (a weeks worth, in a week, fancy that). heartbeat is 173 bpm. Spot is confident that he saw bean yawning - I will concede a vague wriggle, but he is stoked. I am concerned that I am turning Bean into a ruthless extrovert who desperately needs attention "hell, Mama where is my close-up", but in the meantime, the little thing wriggle a bit. This will keep me sane for about 2 days, until reality kicks in.

Part of my problem is that I have NO symptoms - apart from the continual cramping (trust me, hardly reassuring) and the incessant hunger. There is no tiredness, no fatigue, no nausea. I want morning sickness, I want to fall asleep on the couch at 7pm. Hell, I can do that while not pregnant - why not now. I want huge breasts, with massive nipples and veins like road maps. I want to not want to eat everything in sight (why thank you, Mr Prednisolone).

Right, then, not so much. Fine, I understand.

At least I got my u/s this morning. I wonder if I can possibly get one of those machines for home, screw the home doppler machine, a full on u/s machine. Where's a scientologist when you need one.