holes in my feet, and my heart

Acupuncture today, more holes in my feet to stop the bleeding. Hopefully, it seems to be working, its definitely getting less, which is a good thing.

Bad news for friends still stuck on this treadmill yesterday has got me thinking and also feeling guilty. Which I know is stoopid, there is not a finite amount of positive pregnancy tests in the world, but it feels like it sometimes. This game is so fucking unfair, horrible things happen to wonderful people, and its such a crapshoot. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't, and only hell can tell why.

For all their talk about medical science, medical wishful thinking seems to be more like it. The only difference, from what I can see, from the current fertility medical specialist to the one a 1000 years ago, is that they have replaced sickles with specula. Its still try and try again, until you reach the holy grail or run out of money, or emotional space, or energy. And it is impossible to understand until you are already a hamster on the treadmill just how exhausting this journey actually is. Of course, once you are on, its too late for you. There is always a new protocol, a new regime, a new drug, a new test just around the corner that will make the difference. And so you use up all your hope, again and again, until all you are is tired and bitter.

That doesn't seem to change, either, once you get the result. Then a whole new set of fears kick in, and I refuse to acknowledge it until, well, not sure when exactly. Probably when I sending the child off for primary school, but who knows. Up until then, acknowledgement just means I will either lose it again (which, incidentally, is a stupid expression, you lose keys, and money behind the back of the couch, but I digress), or just seems to make me feel awful for those still running behind me. I know they don't feel like that, well, I hope that they are not lying, when they tell me they don't. For me, there was a hierarchy of these things, positive pregnancy tests from people who had no trouble all the way through to multiple ivf miscarriers. One end I wanted to drown in my bitter tears, the other I was genuinely happy for. Its sad, that my happiness is dependent on the level of someone's previous pain.

So, for Miss Jo, I am deeply sorry for you, and believe me, will be so over-the-moon happy for you later. Take time, and when you want help crawling out of the abyss, here is my hand.